February 2, 2015

Saying Goodbye

I know yesterday was, as Bone Thugs-N-Harmony said the "1st of Tha Month," which means Farley has a new Currently, and I should be playing along. 

But instead, I want to share with you all a profoundly emotional experience I had today. 

I saw my grandma this morning. 

In my dream. 

Only it was so real, I swear it actually happened. 

My grandma passed away two years ago this month at age 88. She had a massive stroke, which ultimately left her unresponsive. 

I was living in Baton Rouge at the time with very limited funds and only one sick day left in my account. I couldn't make the trip back to Chicago to say my final goodbye. 

And I'm mostly okay with that because I don't like thinking about my grandma all helpless in a hospital bed, not able to talk to me or give me a hug. Because those are the things I loved about her. 

But since she died, I've been holding on to some resentment. I know that might sound awful, but hear me out...

When my grandpa died (In 1992), I knew he was still with us. I would spend the night at my grandma's house, and I could hear him late at night, when grandma and I were both in bed. He would walk through the house, just as he used to, to check that the doors were locked and everything was safe. 

I could literally feel his presence.

And it made me feel safe. I knew he was looking out for us. And I knew he was okay if he was still with us.

So, when grandma died, I waited to feel her. 

I waited. 

And I waited.

But she didn't come. 

Once, I even yelled at her while I was home alone. Where are you? Why won't you show me you're okay? 

But still, grandma didn't come. 

I was very much aware of this longing for the first few months after she passed, but I didn't realize how much it was still a part of me until today.

Until I woke up this morning sobbing.

Grandma came to me in my dream. We had lunch together, at an unknown restaurant, where we sat on the patio in the warm sun. 

She had the friendliest smile on her face as we chatted. 

And she squeezed my hand, just like always.

And I got to hear her laugh again. Oh, how I love her laugh!

I couldn't tell you anything that we discussed, but I do know that I was left with an understanding that this was my chance to see that she's okay and to be reassured that she knows how much I love her.

And I got to hug her one last time.

I didn't want to let go. 
My favorite picture with Grams

I doubt I could ever be ready for that.

My panicked tears started as my dream began to fade, and I realized our meeting would soon end.

I tried to hold her a little tighter. 

Told her I loved her again and again.

And then I woke up and continued to cry for an hour (and then off-and-on all day) as I relieved my dream. 

She finally came to me.

I finally got to say my goodbye.

I didn't even know how much I needed it. 

I hope she visits me again.

9 comments:

  1. I am crying right now! I'm so thankful you shared this, as I have experienced this same thing! My grams passed almost three years ago, and I was with her when she died. I still sometimes see her in my dreams, and it's very similar and comforting. Thank you for sharing your experience, it was so beautifully written! :)

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    1. Aw, Jen! I'm sorry I made you cry, but I'm glad you were able to relate. I've always heard of these types of dreams, but this was my first time experiencing it myself. I hope it won't be the last!

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    2. I hope so, too, for you :) what a wonderful moment! And, it was a good cry :)

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  2. Thank you for sharing this touching moment. It is beautiful! I haven't had a dream about my grandma who passed, but she moves things around in my house sometimes. I just smile and say "thank you" to her for reminding me that she is nearby. *hugs*

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  3. Hey friend, sorry about your dream and your tears and you missing your grams but also glad that you finally got to see her one last time. I hope she visits you all the time now in your dreams!
    I really loved reading this story! Have you ever done the Slice of Life Story Challenge with Two Writing Teachers? I think you should - starts in March :-) and then you could share lots of little slices of you and your gram for all of us to read!
    Hugs,
    michelle

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  4. Tears are welling up in my eyes. Dreams are pathways for loved ones to reconnect. It'll be a dream you'll never forget. I hope another one comes to you soon. XO
    Literacy Loving Gals

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  5. The story of your dream left me with goosebumps and tears in my eyes! I'm so glad for you that you were able to have that experience. I've lost two people very close to me (daughter and mom) and am still waiting for a dream like that! I"m sure it gave you much peace.

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  7. Oh sweetie! A few years ago, I had a dream where I found my Grandpa in the yard. I ran to him and he gave me the biggest hug. I still remember how that hug felt. The smell of his soap, the sound of his voice, and how safe I felt. He died when I was in kindergarten. I was struggling with caring for parents, and totally overwhelmed. He must have known that I needed a hug. Sometimes dreams are just dreams, and sometimes they are something special and divine.

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