You know how girls with anorexia look into the mirror and see themselves as obese? When I was in college, my roommate and I used to joke that we have reverse anorexia because we see ourselves as much thinner versions of who we really are. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss!
Unfortunately for me, there are always photographs to bring me back to reality. I swear to you it's like I don't even recognize the person in the pictures sometimes. Certainly that can't be me with that double chin or cheeks so chubby my eyes squish up like an Asian when I smile! Do I really look like that?! Is there a funhouse mirror inside this camera??? Ugh!
OK, I'm not that unrealistic, but I have been frustrated at not seeing my own progress like the other girls in class. Even though others are starting to comment on my weight loss, I'm not seeing it in myself. And I'm annoyed.
So, I've been trying extra hard to be even better about my eating habits. I've always been a three meals a day kinda girl despite knowing better. The problem is that if I don't eat often enough, I'm ready to gnaw off my own arm by meal time, and then I'm too hungry to cook so I binge on whatever food is fast and plentiful (and of course, unhealthy). This is where my eating disorder comes into play: half-bulimia. This is for those of us who are really good at binging but lack the follow through to purge. Can anyone else relate to this???
Anyway, I'm really working on being mindful of my eating. I'm trying not to let myself get too hungry, eating smaller portions, and making healthier choices.
It sounds so simple. And on paper, it really is. Putting it into play, however, is so much harder.
I can't even let myself stop for coffee on the way to work now for fear that I will be tempted into a sugary cappuccino. I've been dutifully drinking my peppermint tea instead.
I turned down Portillo's on Wednesday with my family (my aunt and uncle are visiting from NJ and needed their Italian beef fix) even though I love, love, love it because I just don't need it! Instead, I opted for a protein shake. No cheese fries on the side for this girl.
Last night, I made the mistake of letting myself get too hungry and really wanted to go pick something up for dinner, but I forced myself to open a can of tuna instead. It wasn't nearly as good as the Chipotle I was craving, but I told myself I'd be glad about my choice later.
And today, I didn't let myself order Chinese take-out with the rest of the staff. I stayed in my room and ate a Lean Cuisine and canned fruit because I couldn't bear the thought of watching them eat that deliciousness.
But I can't stop thinking about an egg roll, dammit!
Please tell me this will get easier!